Blunt

Sitting here, unable to sleep. Everything was good when I woke up yesterday morning. Then by the end of the day, everything had flipped. I thought I was in control, but somehow he still managed to get under my skin and completely ruin my mood for the night. Hate when that happens! I have yet to learn how to just brush it off. Sometimes I do, but I let him in just a little bit again and so quickly he already disappoints me. Not sure why I am even surprised. This has been a repetitve cycle for nearly two years. It is time to let go. And I know it. I just haven't been strong enough to stick to the right decision. The decision that must be made because it will lead me in the best direction. I wish it could work, I truly do. But he has been disappointing me for a long time now. Time and time again, I let him hurt me, make me cry, be infuriated. All the while, he doesn't even notice nor care about his actions and destruction. Taking a step back allowed me to see once again the selfishness, deflection, discrediting, and narcissistic qualities I had overlooked for a while. I will not let you in again. I will not let myself go like I did when I was with you because I was so unhappy. I am glad you ended it. Also, thank you for admitting to me that you f*ed someone right after we ended. That solidified the fact that you're not the right one for me. You didn't fight for me and were willing to lose me completely. Well now you have lost me. I will not trust you again and I will not love you like I once did. We are done.

p.s. Since I couldn't text you this - Go F*ck yourself.

Indecisive

I often wonder why I am so indecisive. Is it fear of picking the wrong option? Or being so insecure of my decision-making that I teeter back and forth? Sometimes, especially with feelings, it is a conflict of what I should do compared to what I want to do. Often I go with what I want. This holds me back immensely and keeps my life stagnant. I always say I want change, but then I am not willing to work for it nor commit to it.

Snacked a lot this week. Even binged a little the last two nights. Nothing like I have done in the past, but I'm trying to discover the underlying cause for this behavior. Thinking it has to do with... need new nicknames haha... we'll just call him lost love. Not sure what I want there. Relationships are cute and all, but the risk of your heart being broken is only worth it if the relationship has the potential to grow and go somewhere. As strong as feelings can be, ultimately it is wise to be honest with yourself and make the decision you know to be in your best interest. Need more time to ponder and be objective, but I think I know the answer already.

Missing Hefe. So much distance and complications and possibly a lack of interest. Who knows. But I am fond of Hefe. The mind can be so spectacular.

Expected to write more today because I have been thinking a lot and reflecting. However, I am craving some chicken with a little lime at the moment. I think I will go enjoy that.

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