Looking for Peace

So I am trying to find my strength. I am tired of letting others control my happiness and then sabotaging myself as a result of other people making me feel bad. I want to be strong. I know what I have to do.

I need to cut all ties that are detrimental to me. I have been prolonging the most important cut. Someone I used to be so close to, but now treats me terribly. Just like he used to. I can't allow this anymore, its like my old disorder, hard to let go of. I want to be free more than anything and I know exactly what I have to do.

I am going to try to do it today. Its time for me to be happy.

Highs and Lows

My days are emotionally eventful. For a few hours I'm smiling and inspired, then a few later I'm tearing up and lonely. Emotions can fluctuate as mine are now, but at least I'm letting myself feel them.

Schooby sent me a pug video today. And I sent the one I have been waiting to show him back. I didn't think he would send me one so soon considering we cut contact on Thursday. However, he sent an insta heart back which is technically breaking the deal, but whatever, he always makes his own rules. Part of me has this mission to get him back even though I really do deserve better. I understand where he's at, and that he really should be single at this time in his life and enjoy himself and also discover who he is / who he wants to be. I feel that he is very unsure of himself and what he wants to do in his life. I am also unsure of myself and still quite insecure. I need to become the person I want to be and no longer continue the same stagnant pattern that has been my life since my early teenage years. It is best that we find ourselves apart.

I miss him dearly, some moments more than others. I wish he had been there with me moving into my house today. I still hope he comes and visits me. A part of me feels like we aren't done. The chapter of boob and schooby isn't quite finished yet... But then another part of me, a more realistic one imagines that he will be single for a while and eventually get back in a relationship, but with someone else. Possibly that one girl.... yuck. But either way it will be a little while. I hope he realizes that he really does love me and its worth being with me. But who knows. I know that once I get to the point where I am going, where I truly accept my mind and body, that I will be able to have much better. To expect better and to demand it. I want someone who is loyal and fights for me. That is someone worth my time. Hefe is merely an idea for fantasizing in fiction. The reality is that he is not that great and really only good as a distant friend/acquaintance.

Continuing to share my thoughts as it is interesting in the future to look back and remember these feelings and to notice how quickly / how much things change.

"Stop wishing and wanting, go and do something, work on yourself and good things will come" - F.

Leaving You Behind

So I'm reluctant to write because I'm lazy, but there needs to be an update. So my love and I fully called it quits on thursday. He said he didn't see a future as of right now and didn't want to continue dating and also that he needed time apart to see if he missed me. Deep down it hurts, but I know how he feels because when I had Hefe I was about to completely cut ties with him. I thought I was over him. But in reality when Hefe disappeared all of the feelings for him came rushing back. I am still in love with Schooby. I think it will fade and one day I will be extremely distanced with no return, but the love is still very strong for me. In a way, I hope we find our way back to each other. However, there were and still will be problems with us being together that may not be able to be changed. I still don't think we can do well together for a lifetime. I want to find someone that I don't question their loyalty and that fights for me. He disappointed me in both of those. He didn't fight for us like he should have. I realize he tried, but he didn't put everything he had into it after I worried him a bit. Instead, he distanced himself and found some new girl to hold his attention so he could break away from me. I don't care how she looks or "how mature" she is just because she's a few years older than me, she will never be better than me. It's possible that they may end up being a better match than him and I, but she will always be the girl who went after another's girl boyfriend and threw me under the bus when she doesn't even know me in order to get what she wanted. I will never respect that girl and if he ends up with someone other than me, I truly do hope it isn't her.

I know in time none of this will bother me, but I think it is best right now to be honest about my feelings and let them out. Not being rude or inconsiderate, just voicing my feelings to work through the achy, dull pain that is heartbreak.

As of right now, I hope my Schooby returns to me and realizes that he never stopped loving me. But if he does come back I know it's going to be a while from now and I hope that I am in a better place then to not let him treat me so poorly like he has before. I plan to take these next few months to find myself. Hefe and I are done and not on good terms, hopefully that can change and we can actually be cordial friends. Till next time.

Create your own happiness and share your love.

Decisions and Timing

I haven't wrote in a while. I wish I wrote more often because I forget to share so many thoughts and feelings I have day by day. Everything changes so quickly. In a moment I think things are so intense or bad or how will I get over this, then things change in a way I could have never forsaw.

I am back to a place of mild sadness. I made a mistake and a bad decision at the wrong time. The consequence for this action is fair I believe, as now what could have been will not be. Something that had so much potential is now simply "forgotten." I know this feeling will pass and I wasn't too invested, but it still hurts and will take a week or a few. I am a person who cares. I do not believe that I am a bad person even though sometimes I may make bad decisions. However, in a way the decision I made wasn't necessarily bad it just wasn't the right decision at the time or for the current situation. I am sad that I didn't go with what I should have done and disregarded the consequences. I had this fantasy, this idea of what it would be and it just wasn't that. I am trying to let myself feel it. I'm not devastated, just disappointed and sad that it turned out this way. I kind of did like it, the possibility and excitement and thrill of it. Even though the one day thing keeps hope around, I know that I am more in the moment and if its not happening now or in the near future then it won't happen because by that time I will be in a different state of mind. I know myself better now to know that my thoughts will change, they are not stagnant. There is too much going on in my mind for it to be stagnant and unchanging. I do hope that this is the end of any drama and that more complications do not arise. This is a decision that I just have to live with and a learning experience. Looking at bad and good encounters or decisions as learning experiences allows me to continue growing and to be less judgemental of myself. I am going to make mistakes and at the end of the day I am going to continue to love myself despite those mistakes. June 29th 2am.

I wish I could go back and change several events, experiences, and decisions in my life. But I can't. I can't ever go back, I can only continue to age and live each day until I die. So I will accept life as it is now and see where it takes me next. :)