Shit.

So I haven't updated this in a little while. But the last time I wrote was supposed to be the last time I was going to see Sam... Well drama happened after that, I found out that things got more serious with that other person and so I finally blocked him on everything. That was August 16th. Then a week later on Monday the 22nd he messaged me on insta because I guess I unblocked him on there. Then we texted for a bit and he was still saying how he couldn't be what I wanted, so I said I'd block him for a month, so reconvene on September 22nd.

So a week goes by and I'm getting stronger every day. Happier. Freedom is setting in. I finally was learning how to be on my own again and be okay. Then on Wednesday August 31st I wake up to an email from him. He figured out a way to contact me. I had him blocked by phone number, instagram, and even vine. Subject line: just read me. Says how he just really needs to talk to me. So stupidly I unblock his number because its only been a week and I still wasn't strong enough to not care what he had to say. We start talking... two days ago now... says he still has feelings, has been thinking about me constantly and wants to try to work on us. OK A LITTLE LATE???? He just took this girl on a getaway like two weeks ago for her birthday. And now all of a sudden because I stopped giving you so much attention you're in love with me again? You gotta be shitting me.

So I saw him wednesday night. That was interesting. We did it twice and this first time was pretty bad (short). Second time was better but kind of painful for some reason. I feel almost like my body and soul was saying no. It didn't feel as good as I expected it to. Which means something I think. Its like I still love him but everything inside me is saying no. He treated me like utter shit. Just took me for granted over and over again. Now he's saying how he's so sorry for summer. But like dude at this point its too late. I couldn't fix our relationship when he broke up with me, he told me I was too late. I think now at this point in time its too late to go back. The trust is gone. He wasn't there for me this summer. When I was at PP and crying my eyes out, he was busy with his buddies. I poured my heart out to him over and over again and he didn't care. And now he comes back and I'm just supposed to run right to him? No. I deleted all of our pictures off my phone and computer because he is a part of the past. He broke my heart. And had no problem doing it. His sorrys now don't mean anything to me. Yeah its nice, but the damage has been done.

I'm crying now. I didn't cry while he was blocked, I was doing good. Now I've cried last night and today. Just two days in. Yes I'm about to start my period, but so much came up today. I'm having a hard time remembering a lot of the bad from this summer. 4th of July, being lonely, going to PP alone and not knowing what to do, feeling that he didn't give a shit about me and just crying out for any attention from him. Makes me feel so weak. I can't go back to feeling that way. So weak and dependent. I can't rely on him and I can't trust him. I don't like being around his family because I don't feel welcomed. I felt uncomfortable from the very beginning. I could never be myself there. Why go back? If he was so amazing then okay I could deal with that, but he wasn't even that great. You weren't that happy for a lot of the relationship. Remember wanting to breakup with him before college even started? Then again before Park City, and again before Valentine's day? Do you remember why you didn't? Because he was safe, and I didn't want to be alone especially not for summer. Then he abandoned me right at the beginning of summer and went and fucked someone else. How can you come back from that? You can't. Your relationship will be utter shit. You will always feel the need to check up on him. You will never feel fully safe in that relationship, its just one where you are self sabotaging and awaiting another disappointment or heartbreak.

There were good times. But deleting all those pictures helps you forget. You need to move forward. He didn't care about you when he was fucking her or taking hours to respond to your texts. Walk away. Walk away. Walk away. Do not go back. End it immediately. Take the weekend, but only for strength. You know you can't do this. He can't be what you need him to be and he never will be.

p.s. Hefe August 12th. Lmao you did it.

At Peace and Happy

So my ex and I ended for real today. Its been coming for a long time and something that really needed to happen, for both of us to be happy. I spent two years with Sam and I don't regret them at all. Everything I have gone through and that we went through together helped me grow as a person and made me better than I was before he came into my life. I think we will speak again because I don't cut people out completely, I just leave them in the background. He will always be my first love, and I will always care for him because of that. However, we both know that because of who we are, a relationship between us cannot work. While it is hard to let go and really grasp right now that he is gone, I feel happy and at peace. We ended exactly how I had envisioned and hoped for, and it gave me great relief and joy. He stayed the night because I asked him to, he put me first for once and stayed for me. So we woke up together peacefully and close, and said our goodbyes outside the door. I said everything that I needed to, and even though I almost forgot, the last thing I said was as I was shutting the door I peeped back out the door and put my hand to the side of my mouth like a secret and said "Hey!" and he looked back and I said "I love you." Then he smiled and said, "I love you too." I couldn't have asked for a better ending, and it happened because I am ready to let go and have a new beginning, and he finally showed me in the end that he did care about me. He cared enough to stay last night and sleep with me because I did not want to wake up alone and know he had left me. That meant so much to me, definitely a key moment and decision that I will never forget. Emotionally loaded sex last night was not what I planned for, but I'm glad it happened, we left everything on a good note. Despite his flaws and how much he pissed me off, he is a great person. Yes he can be insensitive and a "douche," but I loved him and because of that I will always look at him in an endearing light. I see his good qualities and all that he has to offer, he just needs time to mature and to find someone that communicates like he does, and will love him unconditionally for who he is. It is exactly the same for me. I am only 18 and have a long way to go. This relationship brought me some of the greatest joy of my life. I will miss you Sam. I am happy we could part this way. Maybe our story isn't over, but for now goodbye. I love you.

p.s. those throwback songs last night!!

Hot Like Sauce

Listening to Pretty Lights right now. Saw him at Hard Summer last weekend, while hiiiii in the sky and it was amazing. Amazing set and the drums and beat killed it.

Let me rant a little bit about Hard Summer. This is a positive rant. The first day at Hard Summer I was a little intimidated... it was very very hot, some very sketchy people were all over, not to mention I saw a fight break out right next to me at Travis Scott's set and a guy lost a chunk of his lip then proceeded to plug it up with a $20 bill and take pics smiling. Seemed like pure stupidity to me, but I suppose thats just how some people go about things in their life. Seeing Ice Cube perform with two members from N.W.A. and Snoop Dogg was pretty dope. Hydrating at this event was of the utmost importance, two people died in the early hours of Sunday and one Monday morning most likely from drug complications, but it has yet to be announced. My friends and I saw the girl who died monday morning collapsed on the asphalt Sunday night after the last performance Porter Robinson gave. As we were exiting a ambulance golf cart was trying to get through and people were yelling for people to get out of the way. We were right next to the path and when it went by, we saw her completely slumped over in the passenger side of the cart. She did not look dead, she still had the color in her face. We all honestly thought she was going to make it. When the news came online that she had died it was very surreal. We saw her when she was still alive. Death in general is very sad, and especially when it happens to young people going to an event like this to have fun and enjoy the music. However, anyone who consumes drugs with uncertain ingredients or doesn't know where it came from, consciously puts their own life in danger. They made a choice to take drugs with the risk of them being deadly. Did they think they would die? No, most likely not. But everyone has heard stories of people overdosing and knows that drugs like Ecstasy, Acid, PCP, "Molly," and all MDMAs/stimulants are illegal for a reason. It is very sad that people died at an event that was meant only for recreational fun, but you are putting yourself at risk of death when you take drugs.

Now Sunday, the second day of the Hard Summer Music Festival is what really made my experience. Saturday night was a disaster trying to get home, we were stuck in the uber waiting area for nearly 3 hours and couldn't even get an uber and would have been forced to pay 6x the normal rates. So my two friends and I had to walk probably 2-3 miles out of the Auto Club Speedway and down three stoplights to get out of the police blockades, and were lucky enough to catch a taxi in the area. I came home with blisters on my feet, completely chaffed thighs, sticky dirt-caked skin, and limped to the pad on the floor we all were sleeping on at a friends house. I woke up in the morning thinking "How am I going to do Day 2????!" But I got up showered, and got ready to go. Sunday was hot, ever hotter than Saturday because we didn't visit the tent that day, and were stuck in the sun for hours until it started to dim behind the stages. The artists on Sunday were what really made my experience as amazing as it was.

Dillon Francis blew my mind and I got to sit on  Cole's shoulder's for the ultimate view. When the drop in Get Low hit, I thought "Holy sh*t this is the song I came to see." Porter Robinson also was one who stood out and gave a solid performance and had awesome visuals along with Dillon.

This was my first music festival/ sort of rave and it definitely changed my perspective. I have been going through a rough time trying to figure out who I want to be and how to move on from someone that isn't helping me grow, and going to Hard Summer showed me just how much is really out there. Over 147,000 people or somewhere around that number showed up to the festival between the two days. So many interesting people to meet, all these people here for the vibes and the music. It was amazing. I will definitely be going to another rave/ music festival. This was an overall positive experience and I'm thinking Mad Decent or Nocturnal will be next xD.

Still clinging on to the past. Still wanting him to be something he cannot be. Trying to figure out how to make myself let go because he is sabotaging me. So egotistical and manipulative. We both aren't bad people, but we do not go well together. Why should I have to conform to what he wants? Double standards and tears. Hoping someone else better comes along. I know I can find the strength. Question is when and how?

Looking for Peace

So I am trying to find my strength. I am tired of letting others control my happiness and then sabotaging myself as a result of other people making me feel bad. I want to be strong. I know what I have to do.

I need to cut all ties that are detrimental to me. I have been prolonging the most important cut. Someone I used to be so close to, but now treats me terribly. Just like he used to. I can't allow this anymore, its like my old disorder, hard to let go of. I want to be free more than anything and I know exactly what I have to do.

I am going to try to do it today. Its time for me to be happy.

Highs and Lows

My days are emotionally eventful. For a few hours I'm smiling and inspired, then a few later I'm tearing up and lonely. Emotions can fluctuate as mine are now, but at least I'm letting myself feel them.

Schooby sent me a pug video today. And I sent the one I have been waiting to show him back. I didn't think he would send me one so soon considering we cut contact on Thursday. However, he sent an insta heart back which is technically breaking the deal, but whatever, he always makes his own rules. Part of me has this mission to get him back even though I really do deserve better. I understand where he's at, and that he really should be single at this time in his life and enjoy himself and also discover who he is / who he wants to be. I feel that he is very unsure of himself and what he wants to do in his life. I am also unsure of myself and still quite insecure. I need to become the person I want to be and no longer continue the same stagnant pattern that has been my life since my early teenage years. It is best that we find ourselves apart.

I miss him dearly, some moments more than others. I wish he had been there with me moving into my house today. I still hope he comes and visits me. A part of me feels like we aren't done. The chapter of boob and schooby isn't quite finished yet... But then another part of me, a more realistic one imagines that he will be single for a while and eventually get back in a relationship, but with someone else. Possibly that one girl.... yuck. But either way it will be a little while. I hope he realizes that he really does love me and its worth being with me. But who knows. I know that once I get to the point where I am going, where I truly accept my mind and body, that I will be able to have much better. To expect better and to demand it. I want someone who is loyal and fights for me. That is someone worth my time. Hefe is merely an idea for fantasizing in fiction. The reality is that he is not that great and really only good as a distant friend/acquaintance.

Continuing to share my thoughts as it is interesting in the future to look back and remember these feelings and to notice how quickly / how much things change.

"Stop wishing and wanting, go and do something, work on yourself and good things will come" - F.

Leaving You Behind

So I'm reluctant to write because I'm lazy, but there needs to be an update. So my love and I fully called it quits on thursday. He said he didn't see a future as of right now and didn't want to continue dating and also that he needed time apart to see if he missed me. Deep down it hurts, but I know how he feels because when I had Hefe I was about to completely cut ties with him. I thought I was over him. But in reality when Hefe disappeared all of the feelings for him came rushing back. I am still in love with Schooby. I think it will fade and one day I will be extremely distanced with no return, but the love is still very strong for me. In a way, I hope we find our way back to each other. However, there were and still will be problems with us being together that may not be able to be changed. I still don't think we can do well together for a lifetime. I want to find someone that I don't question their loyalty and that fights for me. He disappointed me in both of those. He didn't fight for us like he should have. I realize he tried, but he didn't put everything he had into it after I worried him a bit. Instead, he distanced himself and found some new girl to hold his attention so he could break away from me. I don't care how she looks or "how mature" she is just because she's a few years older than me, she will never be better than me. It's possible that they may end up being a better match than him and I, but she will always be the girl who went after another's girl boyfriend and threw me under the bus when she doesn't even know me in order to get what she wanted. I will never respect that girl and if he ends up with someone other than me, I truly do hope it isn't her.

I know in time none of this will bother me, but I think it is best right now to be honest about my feelings and let them out. Not being rude or inconsiderate, just voicing my feelings to work through the achy, dull pain that is heartbreak.

As of right now, I hope my Schooby returns to me and realizes that he never stopped loving me. But if he does come back I know it's going to be a while from now and I hope that I am in a better place then to not let him treat me so poorly like he has before. I plan to take these next few months to find myself. Hefe and I are done and not on good terms, hopefully that can change and we can actually be cordial friends. Till next time.

Create your own happiness and share your love.

Decisions and Timing

I haven't wrote in a while. I wish I wrote more often because I forget to share so many thoughts and feelings I have day by day. Everything changes so quickly. In a moment I think things are so intense or bad or how will I get over this, then things change in a way I could have never forsaw.

I am back to a place of mild sadness. I made a mistake and a bad decision at the wrong time. The consequence for this action is fair I believe, as now what could have been will not be. Something that had so much potential is now simply "forgotten." I know this feeling will pass and I wasn't too invested, but it still hurts and will take a week or a few. I am a person who cares. I do not believe that I am a bad person even though sometimes I may make bad decisions. However, in a way the decision I made wasn't necessarily bad it just wasn't the right decision at the time or for the current situation. I am sad that I didn't go with what I should have done and disregarded the consequences. I had this fantasy, this idea of what it would be and it just wasn't that. I am trying to let myself feel it. I'm not devastated, just disappointed and sad that it turned out this way. I kind of did like it, the possibility and excitement and thrill of it. Even though the one day thing keeps hope around, I know that I am more in the moment and if its not happening now or in the near future then it won't happen because by that time I will be in a different state of mind. I know myself better now to know that my thoughts will change, they are not stagnant. There is too much going on in my mind for it to be stagnant and unchanging. I do hope that this is the end of any drama and that more complications do not arise. This is a decision that I just have to live with and a learning experience. Looking at bad and good encounters or decisions as learning experiences allows me to continue growing and to be less judgemental of myself. I am going to make mistakes and at the end of the day I am going to continue to love myself despite those mistakes. June 29th 2am.

I wish I could go back and change several events, experiences, and decisions in my life. But I can't. I can't ever go back, I can only continue to age and live each day until I die. So I will accept life as it is now and see where it takes me next. :)

Blunt

Sitting here, unable to sleep. Everything was good when I woke up yesterday morning. Then by the end of the day, everything had flipped. I thought I was in control, but somehow he still managed to get under my skin and completely ruin my mood for the night. Hate when that happens! I have yet to learn how to just brush it off. Sometimes I do, but I let him in just a little bit again and so quickly he already disappoints me. Not sure why I am even surprised. This has been a repetitve cycle for nearly two years. It is time to let go. And I know it. I just haven't been strong enough to stick to the right decision. The decision that must be made because it will lead me in the best direction. I wish it could work, I truly do. But he has been disappointing me for a long time now. Time and time again, I let him hurt me, make me cry, be infuriated. All the while, he doesn't even notice nor care about his actions and destruction. Taking a step back allowed me to see once again the selfishness, deflection, discrediting, and narcissistic qualities I had overlooked for a while. I will not let you in again. I will not let myself go like I did when I was with you because I was so unhappy. I am glad you ended it. Also, thank you for admitting to me that you f*ed someone right after we ended. That solidified the fact that you're not the right one for me. You didn't fight for me and were willing to lose me completely. Well now you have lost me. I will not trust you again and I will not love you like I once did. We are done.

p.s. Since I couldn't text you this - Go F*ck yourself.

Indecisive

I often wonder why I am so indecisive. Is it fear of picking the wrong option? Or being so insecure of my decision-making that I teeter back and forth? Sometimes, especially with feelings, it is a conflict of what I should do compared to what I want to do. Often I go with what I want. This holds me back immensely and keeps my life stagnant. I always say I want change, but then I am not willing to work for it nor commit to it.

Snacked a lot this week. Even binged a little the last two nights. Nothing like I have done in the past, but I'm trying to discover the underlying cause for this behavior. Thinking it has to do with... need new nicknames haha... we'll just call him lost love. Not sure what I want there. Relationships are cute and all, but the risk of your heart being broken is only worth it if the relationship has the potential to grow and go somewhere. As strong as feelings can be, ultimately it is wise to be honest with yourself and make the decision you know to be in your best interest. Need more time to ponder and be objective, but I think I know the answer already.

Missing Hefe. So much distance and complications and possibly a lack of interest. Who knows. But I am fond of Hefe. The mind can be so spectacular.

Expected to write more today because I have been thinking a lot and reflecting. However, I am craving some chicken with a little lime at the moment. I think I will go enjoy that.

 x

Unexpected Revelations

Thought today was starting out nicely until my father blew up on me. Just a few simple words can change a situation so quickly. Goes from "Good Morning how are you" to "If you don't like it pack your shit up." It would be nice if people, especially your own family members could keep their shit together and give you a break when you are having a hard time and they know it. But alas people are selfish and imperfect and their own thoughts and motivations override their consideration for others often times.

I did something last night that I don't believe I regret, but it wasn't what I wanted either. It didn't fulfill the need and void I was looking to fill. Looking for love in those old familiar eyes and seeing a glimpse, but then it being gone. I realized that those eyes would not give me what I was looking for and they probably never would again. The time of that love has passed and the person I was searching for and yearning for is no longer there. I have to let go of the idea because that idea is not present in this reality now. The kiss that used to give me butterflies and now just feels like the chapped lips of someone I used to know. It opened my eyes to the reality that everything wasn't perfect and the idea I was clinging onto really wasn't there. I couldn't nor can I now make him be the person I want him to be. While there still are feelings, the connection is dissipating and the love withdrawn. I know now that I do not need him. I thought I couldn't get through my days without him, but I did before he came along and now I will after he passes out of my life. I know that we will not end up together. While I am young, I do often think of the future. I think I have known even before we were seriously dating that there could not be a life-lasting romance. Too much pain and deceit from the beginning. I am glad I spent a year of my life with him because I learned a lot and I did fall in love. It felt good having a bestfriend that I could rely on and who loved me back. He will always be special to me, but I see now that this breakup needed to happen and that it was the right decision. As much as I miss him at times, I know that I became too dependent on him and if I had stayed with him longer I would have lost pieces of myself by trying to be what he wanted me to be. I have to learn from my mistakes and not let the past repeat itself. Although it is easy to do what feels good in the moment, I have to look at the bigger picture. As hard as it is to be alone, I have to take time to heal myself and figure out who I really am. Only then will I really be ready to share myself with someone again. While I do hope that someone special comes along soon, I know he will come when I am actually ready. Despite all the stress others put on me I will not be weak and quit. I will fight through the pain because I know there are happy days to come. I will keep going until it is time for me to leave this life.

Day by Day

I come to write when my mind is active and I begin to feel overwhelmed. It is easier to let it out this way and it keeps me from being dragged down into tears and deep sadness. I am trying to stay afloat and not let my feelings overcome me. Day 3 since a big change in my life and I am still struggling. I know this is going to be a long process of letting go, but it is hard. Its hard when love isn't enough. When you try so hard but you're just too late. Wrong decisions, bad timing, it is easy to get caught up in what could have been. I keep telling myself that this is how it is supposed to be right now. It just all happened so quickly and I am still trying to process my feelings. I miss the connection, being able to tell him when something funny or something great happens. Knowing that if I send him a pug picture he will find it funny and we both will smile and say how one day we will have a pug. Dreams that are now lost. I have been holding onto the thought that maybe in a while we can be friends and I will feel better. But deep down I don't know how I will be strong. And what if in three weeks he doesn't miss me anymore, what if he has so much fun with other girls that he forgets about the love we shared. The love I still hold dear. I look at other guys and I just want them to be him. I know my mind is clouded, but it is difficult trying to tell myself I am okay and just need to keep pushing on when all I want is just a text from him saying I miss you. Even if it doesn't mean we are getting back together, which I know will not happen, at least I would know he feels what I feel. I see now the problems that were reoccurring in our relationship, but I wanted to try to fix them, to make myself a better person and to be a better girlfriend. I just keep replaying in my mind "it's too late." It breaks my heart thinking I could have done something, could have changed something if only I had acted sooner. I miss him so much right now. Going from talking everyday, to messaging him and getting "No Ashley, I'm sorry" when he always called me Ash. Even if it is best for us to take a break right now it still hurts more than I had imagined it would. I just want him to need me, to want to talk to me so badly that he just does. But I know he won't. I don't give myself false hope. I know that text from him won't come. I know he is out spending time with other girls, making plans to go to bars, hooking up with those girls. I am thankful that I don't have to see it. It is painful when you need someone and they can't be there for you because it's not what they want. It hurts feeling that everything was my fault. I know it wasn't, but it feels like it was. I wish he had given us another chance, I wish I had not taken him for granted. I wish things were different, but they are not and there is no going back. So I will go on and try to find happiness and healing.

I know this relationship maybe needed to end, but I wasn't ready for it. When we were having "the talk" I felt like I would just see him the next day. Like things weren't over. But they are and he does not want to be with me. I have been living in the past and trying to understand why he gave up on us. I try to understand, but cannot fully. This is what he wants most, to be single and play around so I have to accept that. I have to let him go because out of love for him I want him to be happy even if it breaks my heart.

Letting Go

Today one very important chapter in my life came to a close. My relationship with my first love ended today and while I still am in love, I have to move on. I am glad that it ended nicely and not with anger and yelling, but there is a lot of sadness left to feel. I did not want to give up on this relationship as I thought we could work on many things that would change and improve everything, but I was too late. He made his mind up last night and now he is sticking to it. There was nothing I could say to change his mind but at least I left my heart on my sleeve and said everything that I needed to say. This pain will fade and I know that, but I lost not only my boyfriend and the person I'm in love with, but also my bestfriend. It hurts a lot more than I had expected it to. I wanted him to say he was willing to try, to give us one more shot. That way we would know that we gave it our all for the sake of our love and each other. But a lot of stories do not have happy endings. I know that I will be okay and I have to do all the things I said I was going to do because I meant them when I said them. Getting in shape and becoming a confident person are things I have to do for myself. I know I will find happiness again. I am channeling all of my pain and anxiety into bettering myself instead of my old habits of punishing myself. This love will take a long time to leave me and I will always remember how much it meant to me, but I will make it through this. This will be a process and not a short one. I cannot bring myself to delete the pictures or physical reminders yet. Part of me hopes he will come back to me, but I don't know when that will be if ever and who I will be then. I wish it never had to end. A year feels like it wasn't nearly enough time with him. I love you Sam.

I have so many great plans to have a fresh start and outlook on life. I wanted to do this with my love, but now I shall do it on my own. My fitness goals are my main priority now. Gym, Work, Social life, Sleep, repeat. I have to be strong now and not fall into old habits. I have to hold myself accountable truly for the first time in my life and actually commit to myself. He and I go to the same gym and part of me will hope to see him everytime I go for a while, but I will eventually become strong enough to not look for him. I know that I must workout and become confident and proud of myself for me and not anyone else. This journey is my own and I will follow through with it. By the time I return to college I will be the person I have always wanted to be. Happy to be blogging again and cannot wait to post happy and blissful blogs. I will achieve my dream of happiness.