Unexpected Revelations

Thought today was starting out nicely until my father blew up on me. Just a few simple words can change a situation so quickly. Goes from "Good Morning how are you" to "If you don't like it pack your shit up." It would be nice if people, especially your own family members could keep their shit together and give you a break when you are having a hard time and they know it. But alas people are selfish and imperfect and their own thoughts and motivations override their consideration for others often times.

I did something last night that I don't believe I regret, but it wasn't what I wanted either. It didn't fulfill the need and void I was looking to fill. Looking for love in those old familiar eyes and seeing a glimpse, but then it being gone. I realized that those eyes would not give me what I was looking for and they probably never would again. The time of that love has passed and the person I was searching for and yearning for is no longer there. I have to let go of the idea because that idea is not present in this reality now. The kiss that used to give me butterflies and now just feels like the chapped lips of someone I used to know. It opened my eyes to the reality that everything wasn't perfect and the idea I was clinging onto really wasn't there. I couldn't nor can I now make him be the person I want him to be. While there still are feelings, the connection is dissipating and the love withdrawn. I know now that I do not need him. I thought I couldn't get through my days without him, but I did before he came along and now I will after he passes out of my life. I know that we will not end up together. While I am young, I do often think of the future. I think I have known even before we were seriously dating that there could not be a life-lasting romance. Too much pain and deceit from the beginning. I am glad I spent a year of my life with him because I learned a lot and I did fall in love. It felt good having a bestfriend that I could rely on and who loved me back. He will always be special to me, but I see now that this breakup needed to happen and that it was the right decision. As much as I miss him at times, I know that I became too dependent on him and if I had stayed with him longer I would have lost pieces of myself by trying to be what he wanted me to be. I have to learn from my mistakes and not let the past repeat itself. Although it is easy to do what feels good in the moment, I have to look at the bigger picture. As hard as it is to be alone, I have to take time to heal myself and figure out who I really am. Only then will I really be ready to share myself with someone again. While I do hope that someone special comes along soon, I know he will come when I am actually ready. Despite all the stress others put on me I will not be weak and quit. I will fight through the pain because I know there are happy days to come. I will keep going until it is time for me to leave this life.

Day by Day

I come to write when my mind is active and I begin to feel overwhelmed. It is easier to let it out this way and it keeps me from being dragged down into tears and deep sadness. I am trying to stay afloat and not let my feelings overcome me. Day 3 since a big change in my life and I am still struggling. I know this is going to be a long process of letting go, but it is hard. Its hard when love isn't enough. When you try so hard but you're just too late. Wrong decisions, bad timing, it is easy to get caught up in what could have been. I keep telling myself that this is how it is supposed to be right now. It just all happened so quickly and I am still trying to process my feelings. I miss the connection, being able to tell him when something funny or something great happens. Knowing that if I send him a pug picture he will find it funny and we both will smile and say how one day we will have a pug. Dreams that are now lost. I have been holding onto the thought that maybe in a while we can be friends and I will feel better. But deep down I don't know how I will be strong. And what if in three weeks he doesn't miss me anymore, what if he has so much fun with other girls that he forgets about the love we shared. The love I still hold dear. I look at other guys and I just want them to be him. I know my mind is clouded, but it is difficult trying to tell myself I am okay and just need to keep pushing on when all I want is just a text from him saying I miss you. Even if it doesn't mean we are getting back together, which I know will not happen, at least I would know he feels what I feel. I see now the problems that were reoccurring in our relationship, but I wanted to try to fix them, to make myself a better person and to be a better girlfriend. I just keep replaying in my mind "it's too late." It breaks my heart thinking I could have done something, could have changed something if only I had acted sooner. I miss him so much right now. Going from talking everyday, to messaging him and getting "No Ashley, I'm sorry" when he always called me Ash. Even if it is best for us to take a break right now it still hurts more than I had imagined it would. I just want him to need me, to want to talk to me so badly that he just does. But I know he won't. I don't give myself false hope. I know that text from him won't come. I know he is out spending time with other girls, making plans to go to bars, hooking up with those girls. I am thankful that I don't have to see it. It is painful when you need someone and they can't be there for you because it's not what they want. It hurts feeling that everything was my fault. I know it wasn't, but it feels like it was. I wish he had given us another chance, I wish I had not taken him for granted. I wish things were different, but they are not and there is no going back. So I will go on and try to find happiness and healing.

I know this relationship maybe needed to end, but I wasn't ready for it. When we were having "the talk" I felt like I would just see him the next day. Like things weren't over. But they are and he does not want to be with me. I have been living in the past and trying to understand why he gave up on us. I try to understand, but cannot fully. This is what he wants most, to be single and play around so I have to accept that. I have to let him go because out of love for him I want him to be happy even if it breaks my heart.

Letting Go

Today one very important chapter in my life came to a close. My relationship with my first love ended today and while I still am in love, I have to move on. I am glad that it ended nicely and not with anger and yelling, but there is a lot of sadness left to feel. I did not want to give up on this relationship as I thought we could work on many things that would change and improve everything, but I was too late. He made his mind up last night and now he is sticking to it. There was nothing I could say to change his mind but at least I left my heart on my sleeve and said everything that I needed to say. This pain will fade and I know that, but I lost not only my boyfriend and the person I'm in love with, but also my bestfriend. It hurts a lot more than I had expected it to. I wanted him to say he was willing to try, to give us one more shot. That way we would know that we gave it our all for the sake of our love and each other. But a lot of stories do not have happy endings. I know that I will be okay and I have to do all the things I said I was going to do because I meant them when I said them. Getting in shape and becoming a confident person are things I have to do for myself. I know I will find happiness again. I am channeling all of my pain and anxiety into bettering myself instead of my old habits of punishing myself. This love will take a long time to leave me and I will always remember how much it meant to me, but I will make it through this. This will be a process and not a short one. I cannot bring myself to delete the pictures or physical reminders yet. Part of me hopes he will come back to me, but I don't know when that will be if ever and who I will be then. I wish it never had to end. A year feels like it wasn't nearly enough time with him. I love you Sam.

I have so many great plans to have a fresh start and outlook on life. I wanted to do this with my love, but now I shall do it on my own. My fitness goals are my main priority now. Gym, Work, Social life, Sleep, repeat. I have to be strong now and not fall into old habits. I have to hold myself accountable truly for the first time in my life and actually commit to myself. He and I go to the same gym and part of me will hope to see him everytime I go for a while, but I will eventually become strong enough to not look for him. I know that I must workout and become confident and proud of myself for me and not anyone else. This journey is my own and I will follow through with it. By the time I return to college I will be the person I have always wanted to be. Happy to be blogging again and cannot wait to post happy and blissful blogs. I will achieve my dream of happiness.