Shit.

So I haven't updated this in a little while. But the last time I wrote was supposed to be the last time I was going to see Sam... Well drama happened after that, I found out that things got more serious with that other person and so I finally blocked him on everything. That was August 16th. Then a week later on Monday the 22nd he messaged me on insta because I guess I unblocked him on there. Then we texted for a bit and he was still saying how he couldn't be what I wanted, so I said I'd block him for a month, so reconvene on September 22nd.

So a week goes by and I'm getting stronger every day. Happier. Freedom is setting in. I finally was learning how to be on my own again and be okay. Then on Wednesday August 31st I wake up to an email from him. He figured out a way to contact me. I had him blocked by phone number, instagram, and even vine. Subject line: just read me. Says how he just really needs to talk to me. So stupidly I unblock his number because its only been a week and I still wasn't strong enough to not care what he had to say. We start talking... two days ago now... says he still has feelings, has been thinking about me constantly and wants to try to work on us. OK A LITTLE LATE???? He just took this girl on a getaway like two weeks ago for her birthday. And now all of a sudden because I stopped giving you so much attention you're in love with me again? You gotta be shitting me.

So I saw him wednesday night. That was interesting. We did it twice and this first time was pretty bad (short). Second time was better but kind of painful for some reason. I feel almost like my body and soul was saying no. It didn't feel as good as I expected it to. Which means something I think. Its like I still love him but everything inside me is saying no. He treated me like utter shit. Just took me for granted over and over again. Now he's saying how he's so sorry for summer. But like dude at this point its too late. I couldn't fix our relationship when he broke up with me, he told me I was too late. I think now at this point in time its too late to go back. The trust is gone. He wasn't there for me this summer. When I was at PP and crying my eyes out, he was busy with his buddies. I poured my heart out to him over and over again and he didn't care. And now he comes back and I'm just supposed to run right to him? No. I deleted all of our pictures off my phone and computer because he is a part of the past. He broke my heart. And had no problem doing it. His sorrys now don't mean anything to me. Yeah its nice, but the damage has been done.

I'm crying now. I didn't cry while he was blocked, I was doing good. Now I've cried last night and today. Just two days in. Yes I'm about to start my period, but so much came up today. I'm having a hard time remembering a lot of the bad from this summer. 4th of July, being lonely, going to PP alone and not knowing what to do, feeling that he didn't give a shit about me and just crying out for any attention from him. Makes me feel so weak. I can't go back to feeling that way. So weak and dependent. I can't rely on him and I can't trust him. I don't like being around his family because I don't feel welcomed. I felt uncomfortable from the very beginning. I could never be myself there. Why go back? If he was so amazing then okay I could deal with that, but he wasn't even that great. You weren't that happy for a lot of the relationship. Remember wanting to breakup with him before college even started? Then again before Park City, and again before Valentine's day? Do you remember why you didn't? Because he was safe, and I didn't want to be alone especially not for summer. Then he abandoned me right at the beginning of summer and went and fucked someone else. How can you come back from that? You can't. Your relationship will be utter shit. You will always feel the need to check up on him. You will never feel fully safe in that relationship, its just one where you are self sabotaging and awaiting another disappointment or heartbreak.

There were good times. But deleting all those pictures helps you forget. You need to move forward. He didn't care about you when he was fucking her or taking hours to respond to your texts. Walk away. Walk away. Walk away. Do not go back. End it immediately. Take the weekend, but only for strength. You know you can't do this. He can't be what you need him to be and he never will be.

p.s. Hefe August 12th. Lmao you did it.