Day by Day

I come to write when my mind is active and I begin to feel overwhelmed. It is easier to let it out this way and it keeps me from being dragged down into tears and deep sadness. I am trying to stay afloat and not let my feelings overcome me. Day 3 since a big change in my life and I am still struggling. I know this is going to be a long process of letting go, but it is hard. Its hard when love isn't enough. When you try so hard but you're just too late. Wrong decisions, bad timing, it is easy to get caught up in what could have been. I keep telling myself that this is how it is supposed to be right now. It just all happened so quickly and I am still trying to process my feelings. I miss the connection, being able to tell him when something funny or something great happens. Knowing that if I send him a pug picture he will find it funny and we both will smile and say how one day we will have a pug. Dreams that are now lost. I have been holding onto the thought that maybe in a while we can be friends and I will feel better. But deep down I don't know how I will be strong. And what if in three weeks he doesn't miss me anymore, what if he has so much fun with other girls that he forgets about the love we shared. The love I still hold dear. I look at other guys and I just want them to be him. I know my mind is clouded, but it is difficult trying to tell myself I am okay and just need to keep pushing on when all I want is just a text from him saying I miss you. Even if it doesn't mean we are getting back together, which I know will not happen, at least I would know he feels what I feel. I see now the problems that were reoccurring in our relationship, but I wanted to try to fix them, to make myself a better person and to be a better girlfriend. I just keep replaying in my mind "it's too late." It breaks my heart thinking I could have done something, could have changed something if only I had acted sooner. I miss him so much right now. Going from talking everyday, to messaging him and getting "No Ashley, I'm sorry" when he always called me Ash. Even if it is best for us to take a break right now it still hurts more than I had imagined it would. I just want him to need me, to want to talk to me so badly that he just does. But I know he won't. I don't give myself false hope. I know that text from him won't come. I know he is out spending time with other girls, making plans to go to bars, hooking up with those girls. I am thankful that I don't have to see it. It is painful when you need someone and they can't be there for you because it's not what they want. It hurts feeling that everything was my fault. I know it wasn't, but it feels like it was. I wish he had given us another chance, I wish I had not taken him for granted. I wish things were different, but they are not and there is no going back. So I will go on and try to find happiness and healing.

I know this relationship maybe needed to end, but I wasn't ready for it. When we were having "the talk" I felt like I would just see him the next day. Like things weren't over. But they are and he does not want to be with me. I have been living in the past and trying to understand why he gave up on us. I try to understand, but cannot fully. This is what he wants most, to be single and play around so I have to accept that. I have to let him go because out of love for him I want him to be happy even if it breaks my heart.