Unexpected Revelations

Thought today was starting out nicely until my father blew up on me. Just a few simple words can change a situation so quickly. Goes from "Good Morning how are you" to "If you don't like it pack your shit up." It would be nice if people, especially your own family members could keep their shit together and give you a break when you are having a hard time and they know it. But alas people are selfish and imperfect and their own thoughts and motivations override their consideration for others often times.

I did something last night that I don't believe I regret, but it wasn't what I wanted either. It didn't fulfill the need and void I was looking to fill. Looking for love in those old familiar eyes and seeing a glimpse, but then it being gone. I realized that those eyes would not give me what I was looking for and they probably never would again. The time of that love has passed and the person I was searching for and yearning for is no longer there. I have to let go of the idea because that idea is not present in this reality now. The kiss that used to give me butterflies and now just feels like the chapped lips of someone I used to know. It opened my eyes to the reality that everything wasn't perfect and the idea I was clinging onto really wasn't there. I couldn't nor can I now make him be the person I want him to be. While there still are feelings, the connection is dissipating and the love withdrawn. I know now that I do not need him. I thought I couldn't get through my days without him, but I did before he came along and now I will after he passes out of my life. I know that we will not end up together. While I am young, I do often think of the future. I think I have known even before we were seriously dating that there could not be a life-lasting romance. Too much pain and deceit from the beginning. I am glad I spent a year of my life with him because I learned a lot and I did fall in love. It felt good having a bestfriend that I could rely on and who loved me back. He will always be special to me, but I see now that this breakup needed to happen and that it was the right decision. As much as I miss him at times, I know that I became too dependent on him and if I had stayed with him longer I would have lost pieces of myself by trying to be what he wanted me to be. I have to learn from my mistakes and not let the past repeat itself. Although it is easy to do what feels good in the moment, I have to look at the bigger picture. As hard as it is to be alone, I have to take time to heal myself and figure out who I really am. Only then will I really be ready to share myself with someone again. While I do hope that someone special comes along soon, I know he will come when I am actually ready. Despite all the stress others put on me I will not be weak and quit. I will fight through the pain because I know there are happy days to come. I will keep going until it is time for me to leave this life.