Letting Go

Today one very important chapter in my life came to a close. My relationship with my first love ended today and while I still am in love, I have to move on. I am glad that it ended nicely and not with anger and yelling, but there is a lot of sadness left to feel. I did not want to give up on this relationship as I thought we could work on many things that would change and improve everything, but I was too late. He made his mind up last night and now he is sticking to it. There was nothing I could say to change his mind but at least I left my heart on my sleeve and said everything that I needed to say. This pain will fade and I know that, but I lost not only my boyfriend and the person I'm in love with, but also my bestfriend. It hurts a lot more than I had expected it to. I wanted him to say he was willing to try, to give us one more shot. That way we would know that we gave it our all for the sake of our love and each other. But a lot of stories do not have happy endings. I know that I will be okay and I have to do all the things I said I was going to do because I meant them when I said them. Getting in shape and becoming a confident person are things I have to do for myself. I know I will find happiness again. I am channeling all of my pain and anxiety into bettering myself instead of my old habits of punishing myself. This love will take a long time to leave me and I will always remember how much it meant to me, but I will make it through this. This will be a process and not a short one. I cannot bring myself to delete the pictures or physical reminders yet. Part of me hopes he will come back to me, but I don't know when that will be if ever and who I will be then. I wish it never had to end. A year feels like it wasn't nearly enough time with him. I love you Sam.

I have so many great plans to have a fresh start and outlook on life. I wanted to do this with my love, but now I shall do it on my own. My fitness goals are my main priority now. Gym, Work, Social life, Sleep, repeat. I have to be strong now and not fall into old habits. I have to hold myself accountable truly for the first time in my life and actually commit to myself. He and I go to the same gym and part of me will hope to see him everytime I go for a while, but I will eventually become strong enough to not look for him. I know that I must workout and become confident and proud of myself for me and not anyone else. This journey is my own and I will follow through with it. By the time I return to college I will be the person I have always wanted to be. Happy to be blogging again and cannot wait to post happy and blissful blogs. I will achieve my dream of happiness.