Highs and Lows

My days are emotionally eventful. For a few hours I'm smiling and inspired, then a few later I'm tearing up and lonely. Emotions can fluctuate as mine are now, but at least I'm letting myself feel them.

Schooby sent me a pug video today. And I sent the one I have been waiting to show him back. I didn't think he would send me one so soon considering we cut contact on Thursday. However, he sent an insta heart back which is technically breaking the deal, but whatever, he always makes his own rules. Part of me has this mission to get him back even though I really do deserve better. I understand where he's at, and that he really should be single at this time in his life and enjoy himself and also discover who he is / who he wants to be. I feel that he is very unsure of himself and what he wants to do in his life. I am also unsure of myself and still quite insecure. I need to become the person I want to be and no longer continue the same stagnant pattern that has been my life since my early teenage years. It is best that we find ourselves apart.

I miss him dearly, some moments more than others. I wish he had been there with me moving into my house today. I still hope he comes and visits me. A part of me feels like we aren't done. The chapter of boob and schooby isn't quite finished yet... But then another part of me, a more realistic one imagines that he will be single for a while and eventually get back in a relationship, but with someone else. Possibly that one girl.... yuck. But either way it will be a little while. I hope he realizes that he really does love me and its worth being with me. But who knows. I know that once I get to the point where I am going, where I truly accept my mind and body, that I will be able to have much better. To expect better and to demand it. I want someone who is loyal and fights for me. That is someone worth my time. Hefe is merely an idea for fantasizing in fiction. The reality is that he is not that great and really only good as a distant friend/acquaintance.

Continuing to share my thoughts as it is interesting in the future to look back and remember these feelings and to notice how quickly / how much things change.

"Stop wishing and wanting, go and do something, work on yourself and good things will come" - F.