Decisions and Timing

I haven't wrote in a while. I wish I wrote more often because I forget to share so many thoughts and feelings I have day by day. Everything changes so quickly. In a moment I think things are so intense or bad or how will I get over this, then things change in a way I could have never forsaw.

I am back to a place of mild sadness. I made a mistake and a bad decision at the wrong time. The consequence for this action is fair I believe, as now what could have been will not be. Something that had so much potential is now simply "forgotten." I know this feeling will pass and I wasn't too invested, but it still hurts and will take a week or a few. I am a person who cares. I do not believe that I am a bad person even though sometimes I may make bad decisions. However, in a way the decision I made wasn't necessarily bad it just wasn't the right decision at the time or for the current situation. I am sad that I didn't go with what I should have done and disregarded the consequences. I had this fantasy, this idea of what it would be and it just wasn't that. I am trying to let myself feel it. I'm not devastated, just disappointed and sad that it turned out this way. I kind of did like it, the possibility and excitement and thrill of it. Even though the one day thing keeps hope around, I know that I am more in the moment and if its not happening now or in the near future then it won't happen because by that time I will be in a different state of mind. I know myself better now to know that my thoughts will change, they are not stagnant. There is too much going on in my mind for it to be stagnant and unchanging. I do hope that this is the end of any drama and that more complications do not arise. This is a decision that I just have to live with and a learning experience. Looking at bad and good encounters or decisions as learning experiences allows me to continue growing and to be less judgemental of myself. I am going to make mistakes and at the end of the day I am going to continue to love myself despite those mistakes. June 29th 2am.

I wish I could go back and change several events, experiences, and decisions in my life. But I can't. I can't ever go back, I can only continue to age and live each day until I die. So I will accept life as it is now and see where it takes me next. :)